"Pull My Finger!"

Let's face it. Relationships are hell. Sure there's a lot of lovey-dovey, kissy-facey, and touchey-feely, going on. But what about the real nitty gritty? What's the story with the opposite sex? Bizarre, illogical, self-serving, self-absorbed, often deranged behavioral patterns of the opposite sex -- which is, of course, what attracted us in the first place. Consider these points:

• Men will never understand women and women will never understand men. And that is the one thing that men and women will never understand.
• Women are motivated when they are feeling loved, adored, and cherished. Men are motivated when they are feeling......a woman!
• Lets face it, you never see a Rolls Royce with a "Shit Happens" bumper sticker.
• God forbid a man should put down the remote and emote!
• How is a man supposed to understand a woman's cycle when he can't even understand a rinse cycle?
• A man argues because he knows he is right, while a woman argues because she knows he is wrong.

Women Yatta Yatta
When a woman is stressed out, she talks - on and on, yatta, yatta, yatta. When a woman is not stressed out, she also talks on and on. Generally speaking, a woman is generally speaking. Many men are under the misconception that a woman always has to have the last word. This is not true because a woman never gets to the last word.
Many people ask what do women talk about? But it is more accurate to ask what women do not talk about, and that answer is very clear: "tungsten arc welding." Women never talk about tungsten arc welding, though they talk about everything else. If they do talk about tungsten arc welding, however, it is how they feel about tungsten arc welding, and who are cute tungsten arc welders, but never about tungsten arc welding itself.

How To Flatter The Pants Off A Woman
Although men are "flatulence-propelled", women are "flattery-operated". Women love to be flattered. But the man must know the correct way to flatter in order to achieve his goal, which is complete and total submission. Achieving this illustrious, low-life goal takes a bit of time, and a man must start off slow, building the flattery to a fine-tuned crescendo.
To do this a man must understand a woman's needs, which are simple and constant. Women need to:
1. Feel young
2. Feel skinny
3. Feel sexy
A man must make reference to these needs under all circumstances, at every possible opportunity. For example, he might say:
(Her need to feel young)
"When the beam of the officer's flashlight hit your panic-stricken face after he stopped you for speeding, I couldn't help but think how you looked sixteen years old again - just like the first time you were arrested for shoplifting."
(Her need to feel skinny)
"Gee, I'm real sorry your grandfather died, but as you were leaning over the coffin to kiss him good-bye, I noticed how slim your ass looked."
(Her need to feel sexy)
"You know, when those baggy sweat pants cling to your buttocks as you lumber to the fridge for yet another Dove Bar, I just go wild! I don't know whether to grab you by your expandable-elastic waistband, or wrestle you to the ground in a pagan fertility ritual.
Notice how a man can use these seemingly inappropriate situations as an opportunity for flattery. Before you know it, by using these simple methods, you'll have a woman so flattered, she'll be flat on her back!

How To Get A Man To Do What You Want
Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.
Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?

The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man
How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you". For example:
Do say: would you take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your fat ass and do something around here? What am I, the ****ing maid?
Do say: would you like to have a menage-a- trois with our next door neighbor Betty?
Do not say: could you learn how to perform oral sex on me so I don't have to have a lesbian affair with our next-door-neighbor, Betty.
Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king", or "happy meal" in their advertising.
Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.
Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.

A Visit to Bras
Bras is an unusual planet in its ability to retain water. Whenever it rains, the water doesn't evaporate. The planet just soaks it up, swelling to twice its normal size. There are two large mountain ranges on bras, though each points in a slightly different direction from the other.
Brassierians are not concerned with building highways and tall buildings. They are more concerned with decorating. As a matter of fact, on Bras there are so many throw rugs and throw pillows, you could throw up. Everything on bras has to match. The couch has to match the rug which has to match the paintings which have to match the curtains which have to match their nickers.
And they like to wear a different outfit every day to express how they feel. One day they could be wearing a sexy low-cut red-sequin evening gown and the next they could be sporting a T-shirt that says, "**** You" on the front and "Yeah You!" on the back. They complain they never have anything to wear, and that eight closets aren't enough to hold it.
And Brassierians are also concerned with odours and fragrances. It is clearly the freshest smelling planet in the universe. Nasty odours are a "no-no" and are covered up by an air freshener with a fresh pine scent. When the smell of pine gets too nauseating, it is covered with a new-improved fresh lemony scent. The artificially-engineered, allergic-reaction-producing lemon scent is then covered up with a clear natural scent, though nobody knows what a clear natural scent really smells like.
To cover up this chemical wizardry from an olfactory factory, Brassierians scatter baskets of potpourri everywhere - in every hallway and every room, especially in the bathroom. Even the water in the toilet, called toilet water, is colored aqua blue and carries a distinct fragrance to cover up the sickening-sweet smell of the potpourri.
And, in case there are any smells they missed, Brassierian post "stick-ups", light scented candles, burn incense, use perfume, and wear odor eaters, not just in their shoes, but also under their arms and in any bodily cavity where the sun doesn't shine - such as their nose and ears.
Brassierians enjoy activities such as shopping. Another pastime they enjoy is shopping with a friend. A third activity they enjoy is shopping with a friend. A fourth activity they enjoy is "doing lunch". This is especially enjoyable since it can be done while shopping with a friend.

A Visit to Penus
Penus is just the opposite of bras.
Lots gets done on Penus. The planet is full of power tools, computers, and equipment. Penusians also save small boxes of nuts, bolts, screws, nails, and motor parts that are too old and rusty to use, but too handy to throw out. At least half the planet is covered with these small boxes of motor parts.
Penusians experience fulfillment through success and accomplishment such as spelling their name in the snow while peeing, or peeking under a woman's skirt without getting caught. Their sense of self is defined by their ability to achieve results - like catching a three-inch minnow with an $850 fishing lure. They value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement, which is why many spend their entire day farting on the couch drinking beer.
Penus is a rugged planet. Millions of years ago the entire planet was covered with lush rain forest, though that growth has receded to the point where today there are just scattered clumps of weeds which they let grow to give the appearance of vegetation. There's one tall thin peak on the planet, though when you get close, it's not as big as you thought it was. Perfectly spherical years ago, the planet now bulges severely at the equator. Known for its volcanic activity, there are thousands of caverns that noisily belch hot gasses that are toxic and smelly.
On Penus toilet seats stay up, milk is solid, and shower curtains have their own eco-system. Sporting events are very popular and include Olympic Burping, Marathon Crotch Adjusting, and the Dilapidated Underwear Pageant. The phrase "pull my finger" is legend. Competition is keen and there's always some kind of contest going on, such as who can hit the longest golf ball, who can score the most home runs, or who can make the loudest underarm sounds with their hands.
Appearance is also important to a Penusian, and he will often arrive 45 minutes late to work because he was trying to get the crease right on his shirt pocket.
Hair loss is a major concern to Penusians and they will get hair from any place they can. Whether it comes out of their sideburns, their nose, or their ears, they will let it grow and then flip it over their head. This is called the "swoop method" which has the attractiveness of a man in a convertible with a mop on his head driving 100 miles an hour during a hurricane. Another fashionable trend is to tack what little hair he has to his head with wallpaper paste, spray painting any remaining scalp that shows. This creates a look that is as youthful and debonair as Bela Lugosi looked in Dracula.

Adapted with kind permission from Bras and Penus by Anna Collins & Elliot Sullivan, http://brasandpenus.com/authors.html
Bras and Penus is available in New Zealand and Australia from Pan Macmillan Publishing.

August 2001