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HURTING THE ONES WE LOVE - FAMILY VIOLENCE
Violence in the family is usually perpetrated by males and is not just restricted to physical violence. There are many other forms of family violence that seek to gain power and control over ones partner.
Various forms of intimidation including making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, abusing pets and displaying weapons fall under the umbrella of family violence.
Similarly, making or carrying out threats to hurt ones partner is also a form of violence. This may include threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, reporting her to welfare, making her drop charges or making her do illegal things.
Emotional abuse takes many forms including putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she is crazy, playing mind games, humiliating or degrading her or making her feel guilty. Isolating your partner also constitutes family violence. This includes controlling what she does, who she sees and talks too, what she reads, limiting her outside activities and using jealousy or other feelings to justify such behaviors.
Similarly excessive checking up, driving her everywhere and waiting in the car for her and stalking her is a form of violence.
Family violence includes minimising, denying and blaming which may include playing down the severity of other various types of abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously. Also saying the abuse didn’t happen or blaming her for it happening by saying or thinking that she caused it.
Economic abuse includes preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, taking her money or not letting her have access to money. Other examples of family violence include treating her like a servant, not allowing her to have a say in making decisions and being the one to decide how men and women should behave.Children too can be used to perpetrate violence.
Some examples include
- making her feel guilty about the children,
- using visitation rights to harass her
- threatening to take the children away.
All of these examples fall into the area of family violence and are various ways in which (usually) males try to gain power and control in a relationship.
For those who have identified themselves carrying out any of the above behaviors or know of someone else who would like to improve aspects of their relationship the following tips are provided below
Contrary to common belief, you alone are responsible for the words you use and actions you undertake.You probably feel pretty rotten when you hurt your partner. You can avoid these rotten feelings by changing what you say and do.
Excuses, excuses, excuses! Men who hurt their loved ones become experts at making excuses for themselves. This is because they don’t have to feel so bad about what they have done if they can blame something else. If you are always making excuses for yourself you could start asking yourself: “What could I do differently?”
Most men don’t look at themselves until it’s too late. This is because the pattern of abuse, patch-up, abuse, patch-up, abuse, patch-up continues until the woman finally says she has had enough and leaves. If you are in the cycle of patch-up – abuse, try to change the cycle before it is too late.
The only men who successfully escape their abusive practices are the ones who say to themselves: ‘I have to change me!’ and then do something about it.
For many men, facing up to what they have been doing to their loved ones takes a lot of courage and is generally the hardest thing they have ever done in their lives. Facing up means being willing to count up and name all the hurtful things you have said and done.
Try to understand how your partner feels by putting yourself in her shoes for a while. Then see what it’s like to feel afraid, humiliated, walk on eggshells, be careful about every word you say etc.
Men want to forget their abusive behaviour toward their partners, although their women remember it because all the promises their men have made have come to nothing. If you make a promise, keep it.
Sticks and stones can break someone’s bones, but names will never hurt you’.This is a great big con. Did you know that sometimes women say that verbal abuse and threats hurt just as much as physical violence?
Most men who hurt their loved ones want to cut it out, but try as they like, they keep slipping-up. Asking for professional help takes guts, but may be the only way out.
The tips outlined above were written and compiled by Rob Andrew, Counsellor, Access Programs, Centrecare Perth.
Putting these tips into practice may take considerable effort. Assistance can be given by discussing these issues with a counsellor in a confidential setting. For any enquiries or an appointment call or drop into any Centrecare office.
Goldfields
7-9 Dugan Street, Kalgoorlie WA 6430
Tel: +61 8 9091 1833
Email: centrecare@goldfields.centrecare.com.au
Esperance
Suite 1 & 3, Radio House, 8-10 William Street, Esperance WA 6450
Tel: +61 8 9071 1955
Email: centrecare@goldfields.centrecare.com.au
Perth
456 Hay Street, Perth WA 6000
Tel: +61 8 9325 6644
Email: enquiries@centrecare.com.au
Mirrabooka
12 Brewer Place, Mirrabooka WA 6061
Tel: +61 8 9440 0400
Email: receptionm@centrecare.com.au
Joondalup
Suite 9, Lotteries House, 70 Davidson terrace, Joondalup WA
Tel: +61 8 9325 6644
Email: enquiries@centrecare.com.au
Cannington
22 Pattie street, Cannington WA 6107
Tel: +61 8 9451 1100
Email: receptionc@centrecare.com.au
Bunbury
103 Clarke Street, Bunbury WA 6230
Tel: +61 8 9721 5177
Email: office@bunbury.centrecare.org.au
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